So You Want to Go Outside: a helpful How-To guide and primer on acceptable social interaction

Well, maybe the word "want" is a little strong. Perhaps, like early hunter gatherer societies, the lack of food has driven you out of your comfy, insulated nest in search of more fruitful climes. Or the single, fading light bulb that illuminates your room is dying and you are fresh out of torches. Well regardless, congratulations! You have made an important first step! The following guide will hopefully help speed you on your adventure and on your way to an exciting, exhilarating new realm.

Step 1: Put on pants.
This is key. Without them, proper social interaction in the outside world becomes difficult. Also, this serves as a good way to show yourself that you mean business. With pants off, it becomes easy to decide to stay inside after all.

Step 2: Stop playing World of Warcraft.
Yes, I know that you need to gear up to impress that fancy new raiding guild you plan on applying to because your old one collapsed, but you can play later. Well. Actually you can finish grinding those last two Crystallized Shadows for your new robes. Go on, it's fine.

Step 3: Hygiene
Also important. Take a minute for a brief assessment: have I shaved today? Will I look ridiculous if I don't? Am I smelly? Will putting on deodorant fix this? If not, does it really matter I mean I am only gonna go out for like five minutes people can just deal with it plus I smell fine. Will my unkempt appearance cause fellow members of society to view me as derelict and possibly dangerous?

Step 4: Other Clothing
As this is a brief excursion, do not get too fussed about this. So long as there are no obvious stains, that shirt you wore yesterday will do fine. You are probably still wearing it, actually, so this also saves time.

Step 4a: Accessories
For our purposes, this means cell phone, wallet, and keys. Socks may or may not be desired.

Step 5: The Door
Here is a big step. Congratulations on making it this far! The door can often be intimidating, so it may be helpful to count to a number, and vow that when you reach the number you will turn the handle and step out, JUST DO IT GOD DAMN IT.

Step 6: External Hazards
Be sure to quickly snap yourself out of the haze that isolation brings. Those cars do not stop.

Step 7: Appropriate Social Behavior
Avoid prolonged staring. Do not mumble. If someone addresses you, it is generally a good idea that you respond with something relevant. Remember, if that sandwich man is asking you what kind of cheese you want, it is you that he is addressing and you need to not spend too much time in deliberation, because most people think this question to be fairly straightforward.

Step 8: Accomplish Your Task
While you may have passed the gauntlet at the sandwich shop, be sure not to take the coward's route and return home immediately. You seriously need milk, think of all that delicious, yet woefully dry, cereal you have back in the apartment. Just buy the damn milk.

Step 9: The Return to Safety
Excellent work! You have completed your mission with minimal social awkwardness! Retrace your route to your base of operations and enjoy your sandwich as you browse SomethingAwful and write on Blogger. Do not let it go to your head though, as you will be called on again to repeat your performance at some point. Also, try to get some work done today.

Here's a thing.

Port Authority bus terminal: the land of perpetual twilight,
because, waiting at the gate, it always looks dark.
The garage through the window looks like an empty summer night,
and the lamps from the ceiling give an impression of lonely highway lights,
gleaming on a strip of forgotten road.
It feels right for a place of coming and going.
Riding the bus is so soothing,
because there is nothing for me to do except watch the scenery blur into familiarity,
city grayness to highway steel to suburban green.
Funny, I never thought I could like this place.
But the feeling in my stomach is not unpleasant.
I am happy to be back home,
where nothing happens, and there is nothing to do, and nowhere to go,
and people are obnoxious and small, sometimes.
But I am happy.
I leave the bus, my coat is not needed, the air tastes mellow and new.
Maybe it is the feeling of not fully belonging,
of being a stranger in a strange land that is appealing.
Knowing that no one knows I am here makes me free, makes me giddy.
It is like being invisible, and nothing ties me down,
and I feel like I want to walk and walk forever along a sleepy suburban avenue
that feels like spring and old familiar things, anonymous and secret.
I pass a few men outside a pub on my way,
they are already there at two in the afternoon.
I feel a little down, but I am okay.
Down the hill, past house of old friend, where I would walk to every day in summer.
Down the driveway with no cars in it to my house.
Up the ladder, which is kept there for me, to sit on my roof,
my favorite place to be,
and I wait for my parents to come home.


edit: dang it all, stupid blog format breaks up my carefully spaced thing! I spent a long time doing that! Grrr.