Wherein I Talk of Break and School

Hello!

Well hey, look at this, a blog thing. I guess I should probably write something, huh? Yeah that sounds good.

So a few things have happened since October 15th 2008, which seems to be the last time I updated this thing. Much has stayed the same however: I worry about the future, my mind swings wildly around, and I get severely confused about a myriad host of exciting things both internal and external. So it goes. Most of my time in this gap was spent at home on winter break, which stretched all the way from December the 17th to February the 1st. WoW was played (lots...), Scrabble was lost (every time!), New Years was celebrated (just once), songs were sung (quartet style), and old friends were met (quite a few).

So out of all my now freshman-in-college friends spread throughout the country, one thing seemed to plague many of them as well as myself. There is this weird, ambivalent feeling about school that is not necessarily distaste; it is more of a confusion. Being home felt much more comfortable, and being around friends felt more natural. It does not take a genius to see why: we have been thrown into a very foreign environment that we have been a part of now for at most four months. Of course we are going to feel more secure and comfortable around people that we have known for years and in a town that we grew up in (the free laundry, unlimited sleeping, and lack of responsibility are certainly pluses too). From what I have gathered, this malaise is common among all new college students, and after a few more semesters we will probably look back at ourselves and wonder why the hell we felt this way. There is nothing terribly profound in this revelation, as we always like what we are more familiar with.

However, there is something sort of nice I learned about myself that ties in to all of this. It is a product of having the longest break, and thus having a lot of time to think and stare off into space. Firstly, there is something to be said about liking the familiar: why do I feel this way? Apart from the security, is there anything else that being home affords me? Somewhere along in break, my friend Jaime brought my backpack that I had lost last year over to my house (a backpack which I loved as my own and the loss of which devastated me). Inside it was like a time capsule, with all my old binders and notes preserved in their pristine condition, doodles and all. Happily I began picking through them, noting how miserable I seemed from my angry rambling written in the margins. However in retrospect, everything seemed easy and insignificant, and even the asshats that populated my classes seemed endearingly quaint. Part of this is, I am sure, just nostalgia.

So what does this have to do with what I was talking about? What I began to realize was that as I was somewhat unhappy in high school, I sought to leave everything having to do with it behind. Hell, I even started going by my middle name, to the confusion of many. However, so eager was I to distance myself from high school that I left behind some parts of me, parts which I viewed as false so that I could "be myself" once I reached the promised land. What I did not realize that some of what I left behind was not bad or false, but just as integral to me as whatever sides of myself that come out now. Ironically, I had scorned the idea of "reinventing myself" at college, as I thought I was pretty okay as I was. But in my haste I did not realize that I was indeed reinventing myself by trying to run from old experiences, which I think accounts for some of my anxiety at school. This is why I found it refreshing to be at home (to the point where I often did not want to go back). I suppose another way to put this was that I failed to count my blessings while living in my old town (though in my defense, this is pretty hard to do while playing volley ball in gym class for the umpteenth time).

I had expected to go to college and find my niche and meet new people and all aspects of my old life would fade away. This is not to say that I would abandon all my old friends for new ones, but I thought I would find people even more similar to me and everything would be dandy. However I know now that many of my old friends are still just as dear to me. I do recognize that this is due also in part to familiarity; maybe when I get to know my college friends more, they will become just as dominant in my life. But nevertheless, I am glad that I have my old friends too. That is one thing I do very begrudgingly give to the Facebook, that it is very easy to stay in touch.

Or maybe I am just being silly. Whatever. Time to go watch The Highlander.

Cheerfully,
Daniel Emerson Khost